betrayed

today I finally have the courage to read again almost all the letters that I've kept for more than a decade. I know to let go I need to face it.

so, i started reading. they were sweet and lovely. I could feel how much love we had. I felt so grateful to have you and at the same time guilty for not appreciating you. i even blamed myself till present day for losing you (forever). all the good memories were still fresh in my mind.

 as I continue to read, out of my expectations, the uneasy feeling were back. it was as if I was brought back to the past. Now I know, i was actually pissed off with you. back then you were my everything, I put every effort to be able to spend time with you, but most of the time the plans eventually failed because of you. you said you wana spent time with me, celebrate my birthday, buy me cake, outing with me etc but most weren't achieved. you felt sad, you wrote in down but years and years later, no solid action is taken. it was a feeling that you always gave me hope but it turned out to be false hope. but i was okay because I knew it wasn't smtg that you wished for and you felt miserable too.  however, it wasn't that way when i see you could easily spend time with your friends. esp when you mentioned her. you said you don't like her but you still hang out with her even though you said it's not what you wanted.
your actions didn't reflect your words. I was mad but I failed to express it out , even more difficult for me too write them out. all I could do was kept everything in heart , feeling disappointed but not knowing  the cause. also, when we argued, it was always me who apologised first. you were right that i shouldn't apologise if i didn't feel sorry but hei someone still need to give in. ended up I made you madder cause I simply apologise.

I felt that I've tried so hard to create special moments with you but you didn't seem to care. I felt that I was always your last option even though you kept convincing me I was someone special to you. I felt insecure. it's the trust issue.

 it is only today that I realise it was betrayal. I felt betrayed and since then I don't expect much from ppl anymore.