top fan

it's great to be able to 'watch' your match last week. i may not be physically there to support you but know that i will always be your no.1 fan just like how I used to support you back in new club and all your netball matches. (ok, not all, whenever possible). since you and me are so far apart now, the only thing I could do was search and dig here and there...aha,guess what?! I successfully found the link to your livescore!!! perhaps you didn't even know the existence of the website. but ya, I was 'there' during your semis(halfway) and final. it was really awesome to see what a great comeback you've made. tough game for the first three but thankfully managed to play well for the last two. so ya, I knew you've won and wanted to congratulate you but to keep you focus, I waited for the final. based on my analysis, you were the top seed. I was already excited. at the same time, I was worried too looking at the struggle in the semis but I was optimistic. I even set alarm to wake up at 1.05 to watch your livescore, rooting you and hoping so much you will win to get the free ticket. actually i really wanted you to win so that when you watch live, I get to video call you then I will get to see you. crap, ignore my silly intention, it's nothing compared to your mission to be a better player. oh well, anything can happened in the court. even world no.1 and world champ lost in toc. so, cheer up! no matter what, you are still the best!!! never give up.,I know you won't.

a little memories to look back, how hard you've fought. 

 kan cheong to the max!

shouting in the silence is also exhausting.

still not over

when i miss you, this is where i end up.

after a decade

i failed to log in to this account the other day but today, as i simply click, suddenly i manage to get back to my blog. so, let's crap.

what makes me here after 10 years?

never ever thought that here will be the place (as for now) i choose, a social media that is by now almost forgotten by many, but just nice for me to burst my feelings and thoughts publicly yet not to everyone's knowing. 

and what's even ridiculous is after 10 freaking years, i am back here missing the same person but couldn't confess, still. many years back, i thought i had successfully let go...however, i am totally wrong! when we met and hang out and especially starting to exchange messages again, all the memories were back. it took me awhile to realise the current you that i am texting is not the one back then. that time i couldn't explain to you the difference. till now, i still have difficulties to express my feeling in words. to make it simple and direct, it's heartbroken to come to realise that i am no longer the one you used to concern, the one you used to care.... you don't love me anymore. (yes, i felt so loved by you back then and i was really really happy and blissful). anyways, i should've knew it since i hurt you so bad but somehow we failed to trace the unhappy event. i've cornered all the bad memories about us and what's left in me was all the sweet memories. but to you, it's more like you've gone through a reformat. when i knew you didn't seem to recall most of our stuff, i could confirm it's all over. it will never be the same again.

you may think i was silly to feel sad....well, perhaps all these while it could be me misunderstood your genuine friendship as special feelings. my bad to misinterpret the friendship. it took me so long to discover that i've fallen in love with someone i shouldn't. 

sorry for being a coward, for not able to confess my true feeling. i want to and actually i have the courage to do so but considering your situation now, i don't see a point of me telling you since you have your special one by your side. your choice is pretty obvious, moreover, right now i am nobody to you. which is why i always end up struggling with my unstable emotion. the dilemma of confessing. and there will be times that i will deeply missing you just like now, wanting so much to hug you and text you to let you know but ....... i am so aware that it's not the right thing to do. it won't help instead things will turn complicated and awkward. i cannot afford to lose you for the second time. i shall just stay silent and keep it to myself. 

*written few days ago. decided to create new one.