this may be the last

i back up my photos to my external hard disk just now. when i browsed through the folders, i looked back at some of the photos and not to my surprise, there were photos of you or related to you. few days or a week back, i tried to figure out which year was that that we met at The Gate. oh, i remembered it was an awkward and silent night. we didn't talk much. you were with your laptop and left me no choice but to self-entertained with my DSLR. that's the last we met till 2017. i realised i probably would have snapped a few photos that night. indeed, i was and at that time, i remember i even annoyed you by capturing your images. most of the bad memories, i had successfully suppressed them except for this. my night turned 'cloudy and drizzled' whenever i flashed back. however, not for tonight. at this moment, i am chill, no more tears. perhaps, i can say i am now, feeling fine. too early to say healed but my emotion is manageable.

after nights of self-reflection, i understand that it is not possible to avoid you, hence the only option is to face you and our past. i assume you have forgotten most of them. it used to trouble me, to the extent that knowing you don't remember those moments were actually hurtful. thankfully, i finally learnt that what doesn't matter to you is not my concern. all i need to know is that our past is the memories that i will cherish and whether you treasure them or not is out of my control. i start to understand that it is not a linear equation when it comes to relationships. it can never be balanced. you are right, as you always mentioned what you think may not be the same as what i think and you can't control my thought. they may be cliche but it seems that the meanings are not registered in my mind till present. there is no right or wrong. we shall be true to our feelings.

therefore, when i think of you, i am enjoying, reminiscing each and every piece of memories we had together. i am glad they are still fresh in my mind. those moments; moments of buying a slice of cheesecake and blowing a candle to celebrate your birthday, moments of delivering a packet of wantan mee in the midst of my dinner, moments of us camping at your house but due to rain, it ended up frying some frozen food and slept in your room, moments of digging hole to bury the broomsticks, attempting to build a netball pole but failed, moments of cheering during squash and netball competitions, moments of us in the car, our first selfie photo in the car (i still have that photo), moments of you accompanying me study in the library of new club and you scribbled on my biology reference book complaining how ugly my hair was, moments of reading your text messages, moments of you sharing your experiences surviving in langkawi camp, moments of us in the prs camp and last but not least, that moment i received your first message which was the start of everything. these memories are one of the reasons why i feel contented. i am not greedy and i shall not be one, the love that you once showered me got my soul sufficiently charged for the rest of my life. i pray nothing but your happiness. as long as you are happy, i am too. shine like always.

courage - I wish I have

I wish I have the courage to tell you my true feelings but I really don't have. I am scared and not ready to face the consequences.

time. I need more time to adapt. I can do it.

betrayed

today I finally have the courage to read again almost all the letters that I've kept for more than a decade. I know to let go I need to face it.

so, i started reading. they were sweet and lovely. I could feel how much love we had. I felt so grateful to have you and at the same time guilty for not appreciating you. i even blamed myself till present day for losing you (forever). all the good memories were still fresh in my mind.

 as I continue to read, out of my expectations, the uneasy feeling were back. it was as if I was brought back to the past. Now I know, i was actually pissed off with you. back then you were my everything, I put every effort to be able to spend time with you, but most of the time the plans eventually failed because of you. you said you wana spent time with me, celebrate my birthday, buy me cake, outing with me etc but most weren't achieved. you felt sad, you wrote in down but years and years later, no solid action is taken. it was a feeling that you always gave me hope but it turned out to be false hope. but i was okay because I knew it wasn't smtg that you wished for and you felt miserable too.  however, it wasn't that way when i see you could easily spend time with your friends. esp when you mentioned her. you said you don't like her but you still hang out with her even though you said it's not what you wanted.
your actions didn't reflect your words. I was mad but I failed to express it out , even more difficult for me too write them out. all I could do was kept everything in heart , feeling disappointed but not knowing  the cause. also, when we argued, it was always me who apologised first. you were right that i shouldn't apologise if i didn't feel sorry but hei someone still need to give in. ended up I made you madder cause I simply apologise.

I felt that I've tried so hard to create special moments with you but you didn't seem to care. I felt that I was always your last option even though you kept convincing me I was someone special to you. I felt insecure. it's the trust issue.

 it is only today that I realise it was betrayal. I felt betrayed and since then I don't expect much from ppl anymore.

naive or habitual

naive or habitual?

after I started the conversation, i will always look forward to your messages or should i say i am expecting the messaging session to be continuous, day after another, like how it was. 

i wait and wait, waited and waited.......yet, no more reply from you (as usual).

in the end, i feel troubled, emotionally unstable again. gotta comfort and zen myself again. crying in silence again. damn cari pasal.  

top fan

it's great to be able to 'watch' your match last week. i may not be physically there to support you but know that i will always be your no.1 fan just like how I used to support you back in new club and all your netball matches. (ok, not all, whenever possible). since you and me are so far apart now, the only thing I could do was search and dig here and there...aha,guess what?! I successfully found the link to your livescore!!! perhaps you didn't even know the existence of the website. but ya, I was 'there' during your semis(halfway) and final. it was really awesome to see what a great comeback you've made. tough game for the first three but thankfully managed to play well for the last two. so ya, I knew you've won and wanted to congratulate you but to keep you focus, I waited for the final. based on my analysis, you were the top seed. I was already excited. at the same time, I was worried too looking at the struggle in the semis but I was optimistic. I even set alarm to wake up at 1.05 to watch your livescore, rooting you and hoping so much you will win to get the free ticket. actually i really wanted you to win so that when you watch live, I get to video call you then I will get to see you. crap, ignore my silly intention, it's nothing compared to your mission to be a better player. oh well, anything can happened in the court. even world no.1 and world champ lost in toc. so, cheer up! no matter what, you are still the best!!! never give up.,I know you won't.

a little memories to look back, how hard you've fought. 

 kan cheong to the max!

shouting in the silence is also exhausting.

still not over

when i miss you, this is where i end up.

after a decade

i failed to log in to this account the other day but today, as i simply click, suddenly i manage to get back to my blog. so, let's crap.

what makes me here after 10 years?

never ever thought that here will be the place (as for now) i choose, a social media that is by now almost forgotten by many, but just nice for me to burst my feelings and thoughts publicly yet not to everyone's knowing. 

and what's even ridiculous is after 10 freaking years, i am back here missing the same person but couldn't confess, still. many years back, i thought i had successfully let go...however, i am totally wrong! when we met and hang out and especially starting to exchange messages again, all the memories were back. it took me awhile to realise the current you that i am texting is not the one back then. that time i couldn't explain to you the difference. till now, i still have difficulties to express my feeling in words. to make it simple and direct, it's heartbroken to come to realise that i am no longer the one you used to concern, the one you used to care.... you don't love me anymore. (yes, i felt so loved by you back then and i was really really happy and blissful). anyways, i should've knew it since i hurt you so bad but somehow we failed to trace the unhappy event. i've cornered all the bad memories about us and what's left in me was all the sweet memories. but to you, it's more like you've gone through a reformat. when i knew you didn't seem to recall most of our stuff, i could confirm it's all over. it will never be the same again.

you may think i was silly to feel sad....well, perhaps all these while it could be me misunderstood your genuine friendship as special feelings. my bad to misinterpret the friendship. it took me so long to discover that i've fallen in love with someone i shouldn't. 

sorry for being a coward, for not able to confess my true feeling. i want to and actually i have the courage to do so but considering your situation now, i don't see a point of me telling you since you have your special one by your side. your choice is pretty obvious, moreover, right now i am nobody to you. which is why i always end up struggling with my unstable emotion. the dilemma of confessing. and there will be times that i will deeply missing you just like now, wanting so much to hug you and text you to let you know but ....... i am so aware that it's not the right thing to do. it won't help instead things will turn complicated and awkward. i cannot afford to lose you for the second time. i shall just stay silent and keep it to myself. 

*written few days ago. decided to create new one.