this may be the last

i back up my photos to my external hard disk just now. when i browsed through the folders, i looked back at some of the photos and not to my surprise, there were photos of you or related to you. few days or a week back, i tried to figure out which year was that that we met at The Gate. oh, i remembered it was an awkward and silent night. we didn't talk much. you were with your laptop and left me no choice but to self-entertained with my DSLR. that's the last we met till 2017. i realised i probably would have snapped a few photos that night. indeed, i was and at that time, i remember i even annoyed you by capturing your images. most of the bad memories, i had successfully suppressed them except for this. my night turned 'cloudy and drizzled' whenever i flashed back. however, not for tonight. at this moment, i am chill, no more tears. perhaps, i can say i am now, feeling fine. too early to say healed but my emotion is manageable.

after nights of self-reflection, i understand that it is not possible to avoid you, hence the only option is to face you and our past. i assume you have forgotten most of them. it used to trouble me, to the extent that knowing you don't remember those moments were actually hurtful. thankfully, i finally learnt that what doesn't matter to you is not my concern. all i need to know is that our past is the memories that i will cherish and whether you treasure them or not is out of my control. i start to understand that it is not a linear equation when it comes to relationships. it can never be balanced. you are right, as you always mentioned what you think may not be the same as what i think and you can't control my thought. they may be cliche but it seems that the meanings are not registered in my mind till present. there is no right or wrong. we shall be true to our feelings.

therefore, when i think of you, i am enjoying, reminiscing each and every piece of memories we had together. i am glad they are still fresh in my mind. those moments; moments of buying a slice of cheesecake and blowing a candle to celebrate your birthday, moments of delivering a packet of wantan mee in the midst of my dinner, moments of us camping at your house but due to rain, it ended up frying some frozen food and slept in your room, moments of digging hole to bury the broomsticks, attempting to build a netball pole but failed, moments of cheering during squash and netball competitions, moments of us in the car, our first selfie photo in the car (i still have that photo), moments of you accompanying me study in the library of new club and you scribbled on my biology reference book complaining how ugly my hair was, moments of reading your text messages, moments of you sharing your experiences surviving in langkawi camp, moments of us in the prs camp and last but not least, that moment i received your first message which was the start of everything. these memories are one of the reasons why i feel contented. i am not greedy and i shall not be one, the love that you once showered me got my soul sufficiently charged for the rest of my life. i pray nothing but your happiness. as long as you are happy, i am too. shine like always.